When it comes to interracial dating, we like to say that we
are all just people and race does not matter. And this is completely true. But
what we sometimes fail to understand, is the fact that even though we are all
equal, despite of gender or race, we are not all the same. In this article we
will look at how things that we tend to say to our partner out of good
intentions can have many different interpretations and often lead to huge
misunderstandings.
Acknowledging the existence of racism
When women decide to date black men, they often feel
that it is a good idea to make it clear that they “do not see color”. The same
goes for white men who date black women, of course. Even though this statement
is done with the best of intentions, it is problematic on many levels. By
saying that you do not see color, it is as if you are trying to persuade the
other person that you have no problem with their race. Which means that you
understand why other people might have issues with their color. Not a good
start. Additionally, by saying to a black person that to you color does not
matter, it is as if you are not acknowledging that for them color can actually
cause quite a few issues in their lives. Their skin color is what makes them
subject to racism. It is what caused their ancestors to die while working as
slaves. It is what led many black people to death, in an effort to gain equal
human rights.
Unfortunately, racism is not a thing of the past. Racist
attacks happen every day in the streets of “civilized” cities around the world.
And the more the financial crises deepens, the more people that belong to
racial minorities end up being chased. Not only people from African but also
people from India, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Native Americans face racism every day
in the Western World, be in The US or Europe. This is why it is important to
acknowledge that you have a difference form your partner, when it comes to skin
color and to accept that, if you are white, you most likely enjoy some
privileges that they do not. Having you by their side, as an anti-racism ally
is what they need to feel comfortable and accepted.
Acknowledging the difference of spirituality
White women and black men dating often have other
differences as well. Religion is one of them. There is a common misconception
that many black men are deeply religious. This however, is not always the case.
Especially in cities where black people are the minority, the church serves
also as a community center, where people gather to meet each and often share a
meal. The same can be true for white women, of course. What people find hard to
understand some times is that religion should not separate people. Some people
feel more comfortably with certain dogmas, others feel that they do not need
religion in their lives and others are more vaguely spiritual. Accept these
differences and make enough space in your lives for each one of you to fulfill
their spiritual duties. Religion is often part of one's cultural background and
it can play a very important role, especially when celebrating certain holidays
or events. You might be an atheist but for your partner Easter might be a very
meaningful holiday. Acknowledge the difference and either choose to leave them
celebrate with their family or respectfully become part of the celebration.
Remember: what is not important for you might be the most important thing for
your loved one.
Acknowledging the different role of women
Much like racism, sexism is also all around us today. The
issue here is that what a western woman might find sexist, might be a deeply
rooted tradition for another culture. Women have all sorts of different roles
around the globe and when you find your self in an interracial relationship,
you might be surprised. Even if your partner was raised in the same country as
you and shares your beliefs about women independence, his elders might feel
differently. If his mother was brought up to serve the men of the house and
that was her one and only duty, she might find it disrespectful that you pursue
a career of your own outside the house. It is good to know it beforehand, when
such issues might arise. Have a long talk with your interracial partner. Ask
them how they feel about your future plans when it comes to career, children,
dividing the chores. If you two are on the same page, then the only thing that
you need to do is respect his family traditions when you are a guest at his
home and live your life the way you want in your house. If his family sees that
you respect them and that your partner is happy and supports your life choice,
they are more likely to open up and accept your choices in the long run as
well.
Of course there might be many other differences that you
need to acknowledge and accept. But the way to deal with them is always the
same: show respect for the other person's culture and struggles. Do not be
quick to judge and be open to listen. Pretending that there are no differences
will only cause friction in your relationship, as smaller and bigger challenges
arise. Communication is the key. Happy talking!
